by Amy M.
These cookies are guaranteed to improve your public speaking skills.
“No, thank you,” I say to her, politely declining her delicious wares. I imagine she is on the verge of tears as I hastily stride past her table, trying to avoid eye contact. Why does that lady hate me? she probably asks her mom, who is seated beside her. Hey, I’m just here for contact solution, I imagine myself responding. I’m sure you understand.
I can hear her mother’s thoughts as I waddle into Walgreen’s. She’s enormously pregnant! Pregnant women eat cookies all day long! Furthermore, there’s a decent chance she’s having a daughter! Why won’t she buy cookies out of solidarity? The mother purses her lips, slowly shaking her head in disapproval.
I made that little girl so sad, I think to myself as the automatic doors close behind me. But she doesn’t realize that I’ve already eaten an entire box of Caramel deLites over the past 48 hours. Also, now I can’t stop at the Redbox on my way out because it will be awkward.
I don’t even have a huge appetite right now. I’m just restless and nine months pregnant, which is how I’ve justified my cookie-eating behavior. I must absolutely refrain from buying more Girl Scout cookies.
I bear no hostility toward Girl Scouts, but I do have a few questions. Are there other occasions for them to wear those adorable vests? What are their responsibilities when it isn’t cookie-peddling season? What do they scout, exactly? Manufacturing facilities for mass-produced cookies?
I need to know these things. Eliza may want to be a Girl Scout someday, so I’d like to be prepared. Will she be cast aside if she fails to meet a cookie quota? Does a precious patch hang in the balance? This sounds stressful! What if Eliza inherits my introverted personality, which is not at all conducive to successful salesmanship? Will she be ridiculed by the other, more industrious Girl Scouts? Also, my entire basis for comparison is Troop Beverly Hills, the uproarious 1989 movie starring Shelley Long. It may or may not be an accurate representation.
I wish the Girl Scouts would sell something equally joy-inducing but calorie-free. Like bubble wrap filled with glitter.
Well, the doorbell just rang for the third time in as many days. Better grab my wallet.